Loved you yesterday,
Love you still,
Always have, Always will

Damaged people are dangerous...they know they can survive

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace ~Jimi Hendrix

Let us reach for the world that ought to be. We can understand that there will be war, and still strive for peace. ~President Obama

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware...joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." -Henry Miller

"Truth is everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
-Bob Marley


Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Monday, November 30, 2009

Let's have a party!

So I couldn't sleep on Saturday night because I kept thinking about everything that still needs to be done for the wedding and how it just keeps getting closer and closer. Funny how that works, huh?

Anyway, I decided that it was time to quit procrastinating and get to work on some of the scheduling things that need to be done still.

So, I emailed the photographer that I fell in love with at the Bridal Show in September...

And she is AVAILABLE on March 15th for the wedding!!!

We are meeting on Wednesday to get our engagement session scheduled. She said that she has some availability in December so hopefully we can get that done really fast because the pictures are a part of the invites so they need to be done before we can even put those together.

I have my fitting scheduled for December 13th and then that will be done so I can schedule my bridals. Probably not until the end of January or February.

Then me and sister will get to work on the invites. I was hoping we could start this weekend but then I remembered that I have something on Friday night and all day maybe the next weekend. I'll have to talk to sister.

I found the bridesmaid dresses that I wanted but they didn't have the right sizes so we had to keep looking. Then sister found some super cute ones so I need to get those ordered.

I should probably make a list so that I don't leave anything super important to the last minute, but I think for now I'm doing pretty good.

Oh, and...We booked our trip to Hawaii!!!!!

Woo Hoo! 7 nights on Oahu...
And this will be the view from our hotel...not our room because we got the Mountain View (which is okay because the mountains in Hawaii are beautiful), but that is how close we are to the beach!

Can't wait!

Friday, November 20, 2009


It really was amazing!

The only bad thing that I can say about it is that I wish it was longer...And it really was better than the first one.

I like Twilight, but I didn't love the director so that took away some of it. But Chris Weitz is amazing and they had a bigger budget. They fixed some things that were weird in the first one and are much better now.

And I'm freaking excited to go see it again tomorrow with my sister.

Favorite line of the whole movie is when Jacob calls Mike a marshmallow.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Moon

So...just so everyone is aware, I will be seeing New Moon tonight at 6:00 p.m.


"That's crazy" you say?

Yes it is crazy, but I am freakin' excited!

I have a feeling that it's going to better than Twilight, mostly because of Chris Weitz directing (I don't love Catherine Hardwick)...and from everything I've seen, it's going to rock!

I'll let you know.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

And the winner is....

Oh yeah...that's all I have to say!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

One year ago

One year ago (k..a little over a year ago) my life turned into complete shit:

Well, I've basically been having an awesome life that everyone should be jealous of.

Thursday 10/23: Found out my husband was questioning our marriage; whether or not he wanted it anymore

Monday 10/27: Started sleeping at my mom's house to give him room to decide

Thursday 10/30: Got laid off from my job

Sunday 11/2: He said, "Its over."

Just f*ing awesome

I posted that on November 3, 2008...the morning after I was back at my parent's house for good.

I can't believe that it's been a year. Some days, it feels like it still so fresh and so sore. Some nights I still wake up, covered in sweat and tears, from a dream of laying in that bed where it all started, crying harder than I thought was possible. Unless you were dying.

Maybe I was dying

I think a part of me was anyway. A big part. A 5 1/2 year, can't live without, suffered through 2 deployments, dealt with the issues that come with said deployments, kept my mouth shut about most of those issues, building a life together, never be without you kind of part.

I can't even describe what I was feeling when he came home the very early morning on October 24. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I couldn't shut my head up. I felt so out of control. Like the entire world was torn out from underneath me and I was left so alone in the cold, damp, darkness with nothing to hold on to but my profound grief. Profound longing.

Longing for me to wake up from this crazy nightmare. How could this possibly be happening? How could the only thing I've ever known since I was 16 years old just be gone? It isn't real.

Don't worry, you'll wake up soon. Then you can go on with the life you wanted. The life you were planning. When you wake up, no one has to know what just happened. They don't have to know that was in your head. Just put it behind you.

That's what I was telling myself that night. Rocking back and forth on my bed with the husband who didn't want me anymore holding onto me tighter than he ever has, trying to calm me down. But what do you say to someone who is in so much pain because of something you did, are doing?

There are no words.

Only a few people in my life know what I was truly going through, know the dirty details of what was happening during that time in my life. I'm sorry to say that I'm ashamed to say some of those feelings out loud. But the people who know them, know why. To a point I guess.

And then, on what ended up as a beautiful Tuesday (Nov. 18th), I reconnected with a beautiful, beautiful person. He saved me. He pulled me out of what was turning into a very dark and scary place. I didn't know how dark it was, until I came out of it. Then it scared me to realize where I was headed. I didn't know I was capable of being that person. But I was. So, so was.

Kevin is the only reason I am okay. Well, mostly okay. I still have my moments. I hate that I do, but I'm only human. He understands, and let's me deal in the only way I know how. I love him for that. More than words can even come close to expressing. He has dealt with a lot of crap from me through this whole thing and I can never begin to thank him for it.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I'm sitting here at one of Kevin's softball games down in Vegas, rockin some Muse. The weather has been beautiful and it makes me miss my desert in CA! A lot! That is completely random, i know, but I've been sitting here for too long by myself and i just got to thinking.