Loved you yesterday,
Love you still,
Always have, Always will

Damaged people are dangerous...they know they can survive

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace ~Jimi Hendrix

Let us reach for the world that ought to be. We can understand that there will be war, and still strive for peace. ~President Obama

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware...joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." -Henry Miller

"Truth is everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
-Bob Marley


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Thursday, November 12, 2009

One year ago

One year ago (k..a little over a year ago) my life turned into complete shit:

Well, I've basically been having an awesome life that everyone should be jealous of.

Thursday 10/23: Found out my husband was questioning our marriage; whether or not he wanted it anymore

Monday 10/27: Started sleeping at my mom's house to give him room to decide

Thursday 10/30: Got laid off from my job

Sunday 11/2: He said, "Its over."

Just f*ing awesome

I posted that on November 3, 2008...the morning after I was back at my parent's house for good.

I can't believe that it's been a year. Some days, it feels like it still so fresh and so sore. Some nights I still wake up, covered in sweat and tears, from a dream of laying in that bed where it all started, crying harder than I thought was possible. Unless you were dying.

Maybe I was dying

I think a part of me was anyway. A big part. A 5 1/2 year, can't live without, suffered through 2 deployments, dealt with the issues that come with said deployments, kept my mouth shut about most of those issues, building a life together, never be without you kind of part.

I can't even describe what I was feeling when he came home the very early morning on October 24. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I couldn't shut my head up. I felt so out of control. Like the entire world was torn out from underneath me and I was left so alone in the cold, damp, darkness with nothing to hold on to but my profound grief. Profound longing.

Longing for me to wake up from this crazy nightmare. How could this possibly be happening? How could the only thing I've ever known since I was 16 years old just be gone? It isn't real.

Don't worry, you'll wake up soon. Then you can go on with the life you wanted. The life you were planning. When you wake up, no one has to know what just happened. They don't have to know that was in your head. Just put it behind you.

That's what I was telling myself that night. Rocking back and forth on my bed with the husband who didn't want me anymore holding onto me tighter than he ever has, trying to calm me down. But what do you say to someone who is in so much pain because of something you did, are doing?

There are no words.

Only a few people in my life know what I was truly going through, know the dirty details of what was happening during that time in my life. I'm sorry to say that I'm ashamed to say some of those feelings out loud. But the people who know them, know why. To a point I guess.

And then, on what ended up as a beautiful Tuesday (Nov. 18th), I reconnected with a beautiful, beautiful person. He saved me. He pulled me out of what was turning into a very dark and scary place. I didn't know how dark it was, until I came out of it. Then it scared me to realize where I was headed. I didn't know I was capable of being that person. But I was. So, so was.

Kevin is the only reason I am okay. Well, mostly okay. I still have my moments. I hate that I do, but I'm only human. He understands, and let's me deal in the only way I know how. I love him for that. More than words can even come close to expressing. He has dealt with a lot of crap from me through this whole thing and I can never begin to thank him for it.

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